Humiliation Is A Desert Better Served Never (Part 2)


So where was I?

No matter what you can say about me being a lazy prat – and I guarantee you that some people say that, not least of all my mom – I have genuinely  been horribly busy these last few weeks. I’m honestly just awake right now because sheer will power. Also, “Once Upon A Time” is on.

But returning to what I was saying; please read the first part of this post, It is a tale of a few of the most embarrassing days of my life…

Have you read it?

Okay good then.

So I’m dying, standing in the middle of the classroom, with everyone waiting to see my reaction on the note. And I’m panicking, because there’s no way in hell I’m ever gonna admit that I really do like him, specially because I know it doesn’t show. My classmates just match made me and X because they thought we’d look cute together. Which we would ;). I hope. 

Basically I’m just like looking left and right and trying to pass around the note, which keeps on getting rejected by everyone. Luckily the commotion is so great that the English teacher, who used to be my favorite teacher, comes up to me.

Everyone shuts up and one girl is like “Shhh, Marina! You can’t pass notes in class! Hide the paper!”. Only because I really am half deaf, I didn’t catch it and just gave a confused look. The teacher walks up and says:

“Oh, is that for me? Because you guys know, all the notes are my property. So hand it over.”

And on the outside I’m like:

“Oh, sure, sure you can have it, I don’t mind, go on!!”

But on the inside I’m like:

“OMG THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!! You are my favorite person in the entire world! I could kiss you right now, dearest teacher whose name I can’t remember!! In fact, forget kissing you, I could marry you! Omg THANK YOU!!”

I’m pretty sure on goers could probably see my look of relief. I swear, nobody has ever been happier than I was then, at a teacher intercepting a note and binning it. I swear, I love that teacher, she knew I was more than awkward and she totally  saved my life from death via embarrassment.

Yep, so by then my day was sucking pretty bad. But hey, I figured, it couldn’t get any worse, now could it?
Turns out it could.
That Friday happened to also be the day when we had to fill out forms to deliver to the school board applying to do out end of years exams – which is stupid because you have to do them no matter what or else you fail the year. So filling out the forms is pretty much redundant.
But forms make me pretty nervous for some reason. The previous night, after spending 2 hours complaining about it to a friend on the phone, hanging up, spending literally half na hour just staring at the paper and then ringing yet another friend to ask for help because just looking at the thing made me panic. We ended up deciding we’d fill each of our papers at school latter.
So that Friday, we went to the school office, which was more than crowded, which didn’t really help to ease my mind. Not to mention that I had to spend a full euro on a new form, because, since they accidentally gave me (or rather, Jane the friend who ended up filling the thing for me since I practically started sweating when I looked at the thing) wrong information and apparently you need a new form every time there’s a new mistake. You can’t even put liquid paper on it. Fuck the environment, our government is so important that we need lovely calligraphy more than trees.
Meanwhile, my finger (remember I burnt it earlier that day?) was hurting like hell. And I didn’t have time to go the nurse because of the stupid exam stuff.
We end up wasting the entire two breaks because the lines are so huge we can’t get through. So, two minutes before I the bell rings, I rush to the bathroom. Jane tells me to run, because, well, our maths teacher is kinda strict and I don‘t wanna get into trouble. So I start running. And, because life is fucking perfect, I don’t see where I’m going and run into a girl with a backpack. And she comes tumbling down, all humpty dumpty like. Me too.I get up, real quick, grab her backpack and toss it at her and apologize vigorously. She drops it, curses at me, gives me a “what a freak look” (which really isn’t that uncommon to me, so much so it’s abit freakish that I actually noticed), and turns away. So I dive back in, toss it back, and sprint to the loo.
Only because it’s my life and everything humiliating has to happen in front of the maximum possible number of people, I obviously JUST HAD to knock the girl down right in front of my very own classroom! Basically, EVERYONE from my class saw me running like a freaking idiot, bump into a passer-by all loony toones style and fall flat on my face! Seriously, forget my life being a cheap soap, it’s more like a bad cartoon. Honest to God, the day an anvil falls on my head I’ll shoot myself. With a gun that when you shoot one of those little flags with “Bang!” come out.
Anyways, I head to the bathroom for some nice isolation and non-embarassment; but obviously I’m not done. I go to pee and I get a little “surprise”. Not the flowers and bouquet kind of surprise. Not the yaay surprise party kind of surprise. But the red spots on knickers kind of surprise that every girl just loves.
Not only that, I didn’t bring any sanitary napkins… So, to the nurses office it is, and a big walk of shame for me because I have to walk past my classroom. Luckily, and this was basically the only scrap of luck I had the entire day, I had a cardigan to tie around my waist and one way or another the stain wasn’t really visible unless somebody … well you get the picture.
Needless to say, my teacher wasn’t really pleased with me being late. I could’ve explained since when I have math the class is literally one boy and twelve girls, but that’s still one boy too many to talk about that stuff with and I really don’t want people to know my menstrual cycle. So I chose to be in trouble. I’m such a rebel.
After math, me and Jane, who out of all of my best friends (I have 9) is one of two that goes to the same school as me, and the only one who has that class with me, went to hand in the paper. And who did we meet? Jane’s ex.
Because I need to mention this: Jane and her ex John, had a really bad break-up. It’s really confusing but basically she still loves him, he still loves her, but he wants them to be apart because.. he’s confused.
And he broke her heart and all that. That day Jane was meant to meet not only her ex for lunch to talk about stuff, but then he invited two other friends so as to avoid talking about that, but one cancelled and the lunch meeting ended up becoming just her, her ex, and the-boy-her-ex-was-trying-to-set-her-up-with-who-happens-to.have-a-crush-on-her despite the fact that she still likes her ex and he likes her.
I think it’s pretty obvious what happened; sensing it would have been the most awkward lunch in the history of bad lunchs, I, being aparently way more gullible and kind than I thought, was somehow convinced by Jane to go to the lunch.
By chance, a few friends of John’s, after hearing about a group lunch, invited themselves for it. After I mentioned that I couldn’t really afford a train ticket there and lunch, Jane even attempted a run for it; she quickly said we had to walk over and practically marched away. We where giggling away because of our head start until… we saw they somehow managed to get in front of us. They somehow went through a shortcut that Jane knew about that cut about 15 minutes from the walking. If it isn’t brilliance that she didn’t remember that path, then I don’t know what is.
The trip there was okay, except for the part that I somehow managed to get a really bad sore in the middle of my legs that made it extremely painful to do superfluous things like sitting down or walking. As for the boys, they practically ignored us the entire way, which was exactly what Jane wanted, and we just listened to some music from her cell phone (even though it was modern music, most of it was actually quite decent!).
Finally, we arrive at the place, and sit down. It might as well have been to different parties because the boys just talked among themselves, Jane ate nothing and sat there trying to be transparent, and because our conversation topics that day really weren’t the kind of thing you say aloud for everyone (especially that group of people) , we texted each other instead of chatting, in spite of the fact that there were barely two feet between us.
Eventually, Sam, the boy who John wanted to set Jane up with had to leave and the air become (a little less) awkward. At least that’s what Jane told me latter; personally I couldn’t tell because at the time I was feeling pretty okay with everyone. No weird silences for me.Speaking of which, now that Sam had left we where at last included in the guy’s conversations.
At one point, John turns to me, looking real cocky, turn to me and asks if I think Adam, one of the boys eating with us, is hot. I almost blush, only I never do that, specially since I’m so used to feeling mortified that I’m ace at suppressing crimson cheeks. Hell yeah I think Adam is hot! For God’s sake, the boy has a face like a freaking Adonis! My type and all; tall and lean with black hair and eyes. I know this sounds a bit of a generic description, but the guy looks a little like, oh I don’t know, every single black haired guy whose ever been on the cover of a teen magazine.
I feign my regular defeness, and then when I hear and am trying to decide if I should respond or just run away, quit school and become a chaste silence-vowed nun and avoid everyone forever, Jane comes to my rescue. Nahhhh, she says, Marina likes X! Which happens to be true, only she doesn’t know it, because, like I said, I’m good at keeping my emotions in check and am such a stupidly private person I literally don’t even share this kinda thing with one of my best friends.
In fact, I’m so private I even coded my diary to the point that only I can write in it, and not even I can read it.
But that’s beside the point; the main idea is, I know how to react to friends making fun of me liking/hypothetical liking someone. That’s like the basis of the friendship between me and Anilorac. Or me and Amy. Basically I have a lot of boy crazed friends. Birds of a feather flock together.
I pretended to threaten to drop the soy sauce on Jane’s head. I didn’t of course, but most people think I’m crazy enough to do it. Lol, which is stupid, because I definitely wouldn’t. I mean, I’d probably accidentally spill soy on me too, and nobody’d want that.
Then, when John asked who X was, and I still pretended not to care about him, I also threatened to pour soy on him. Forget bombs, soy is the new mass destruction weapon.
Because I was a little… how shall I put this, agitated by then, (I really hate talking with people about emotions) I can’t say I wasn’t glad to leave. Me and Jane headed over to her house, since I wasn’t really in the mood to do anything better, that is to say meet my other friends, who have relatively no relationship drama between them — which is saying something, considering the “ incestuous” ex-dating between two of them (read my other post, also, they weren’t technically speaking related, I just call them both brother and sister because we’re so close).
At her house, we didn’t really do much. We turned on the pc, and she had the bright spot of the day. Maybe even the week! Or month. You see, Jane has recently become a model. And that day the pictures appeared on a big time web site for the first time! The “web site” is just a modelling agency, but she says her big break is coming soon. We also went to Facebook –  big surprise. (Anybody remember the time when people got together and didn’t do the exact same thing they’d be doing if nobody was there?)
Another friend of ours, the third member of our group, Melanie, who’d been in our class until she decide she’d had enough of that school and left out of the blue on the second day of the second term, starting chatting to Jane. Obviously Mel didn’t know I was there. Otherwise she might have refrained from asking, after (or during) the proper cordiality said to people you don’t see in a while, if I was getting along better in our school. Gee, thanks for the remainder Mel, that I’m such a social outcast, that even my friends need to sugar coat the question “Do people still think she’s a freak?”
While talking to Melanie, ever popular Jane gets a few texts. She lets me see of course, since the word friend refrains anything close to “privacy” in it‘s meaning. The most important one is from John, her ex with whom we had sushi.
He asks: “Hey, lunch went ok, don’t you think?”
Jane, after my guidance, answers saying that it went well, smiley face.
After a long silence, he sends a text: Hey, your friend Marina is gay, isn’t she?
Wait what??
That son of bitch thinks I’m gay??
OMG just because I’m a supportive friend whose there for people even when nobody else is, I’m gay??
Like WTF??????
(To any gay people out there, I don’t have anything against you, I just loathe that this *can’t think of a word bad enough* thinks he has any right to mess with my life? Also, what is he, so insecure that he’s scared that where I gay I’d still his girl from him? No matter fact that they weren’t dating. Like SERIOUSLY???? What’s the matter with him?? A girl can’t even be extremely shy and private and also a supportive friend. Heck, I’m so shy even Mel had pointed it out 4 minutes earlier)
So Jane starts staring at me in disbelief that he’d have thought that and I’m furious. I consider venting my fury by wreaking her room or smashing the cell phone, but that probably would have been a poor substitute for his jaw, which was what I really wanted to break. 

Jane texts him back immediately, without even conversing with me about the reply. She just says “nooooooooo” with all these “o”s in the end to punctuate the.. negative overtones of her statement.

He replies saying: “Really? Don’t tell her but she really looks it.”

I’m utterly flabbergasted. How the hell  does any girl look gay?? I mean, you’d think that’d mean I look really masculine, but all I was wearing that day where so pretty high waisted jeans with decorative buttons, a burgundy t-shirt with flowers     , a necklace with a heart, brown boots, and I even had my hair specially curled. In fact, I’m so un-masculine, people are always pointing out how I wear shortish frilly skirts at least once a week in the dead of winter.  With tan pantyhose. I always wear foundation to school, just about, and am constantly applying this red tinted lip balm. 

Jane sends an angry text saying she’s sick and tired of him accusing her friends of being stuff they aren’t (John also accused one of Jane’s other best friends, Tim, of being gay. They literally never talk to each other and John even publicly insulted Tim during this very lunch. Notice a pattern here?). The homophobe anwsers, after a short debate where she admited having shown me the texts, that he was sorry if he insulted me. The apology was so un-endearing and forced my heart nearly melted.

Because I’m trying to be a good friend here, because I know Jane still likes him, and for her to still like him there must be some good in him, so I tolerate him but honestly I really hate his guts because this wasn’t the first time he said something like that. No, just the stuff I’d heard, all of which happened to be in the last week, was that:

  • He compared me to an autistic girl… Indirectly calling me autistic… I mean, again, not to be rude to anybody with disabilities, but hey, autism is fucking serious and not just some light joke. It isn’t funny to have your intelligence or your social skills questioned and I sure as hell din’t appreciate it. Okay, I’m shy, but since when did that qualify someone as social needs??
  • He, when comparing me to that disabled girl, suggested that Jane was only my friend because of pity. Jane assured me that wasn’t the case. She was that girl’s friend for pity, but I know how she treated her and that’s not the same with me.  I know pity, I’ve felt it, I’ve pitied my self, but I can tell that right now nobody pities me. One thing I pride myself on is that, last year, even when I could have made people feel sorry for me a million times, I kept my integrity and I never, but never, let anybody feel sorry for me. Okay, maybe they did feel sorry for me because I was so unpopular and all, but I never accepted an ounce of pity.
  • He called me gay. Been discussed. Still, if he keeps on pinning that on so many people it does seem like he’s hiding something himself, no? 😉

And so, after pretending to laugh of the matter, even though my friend could see I was genuinely upset,  I left once it was sociably acceptable to excuse myself.

I caught the train late, and my mom yelled at me. On the way home, walking painfully, I heard sad music to be heard here:

At home I got at least one positive news. The sore in my leg burst so it didn’t hurt. Yuppiii. Only now my pants where stained with blood on the inside. Double yupiii….

All in all this day was excellent because:

  • I burnt my finger in a very painful way. It only faded after almost 3 weeks.
  • My crush on the guy I like was more than mocked. I humiliated myself, and him. Although hopefully the fact that he blushed harder than me means he cares about me too :)! You don’t blush about somebody you don’t care about.
  • A teacher caught me passing a note.
  • I got my period unexpectedly and stained my pants with a little blood.
  • I got a really bad sore on my leg that made it hard for me to walk and ended up staining my pants with even more blood.
  • I knocked someone flat on the ground by running into them… and everyone saw it.
  • I filed out a form that defines my entire future life.
  • I had a very awkward lunch.
  • If it weren’t for the fact that my friend seems a little obtuse, my crush would have been discovered!
  • I was accused of being gay (offensively).
  • My mom yelled at me.

Andddd… That was it. Thank God.