These Boots Aren’t Meant For Walking


My precious! Also they are way nicer in real life; you can’t see the lace here. Also that’s me, not a catalog picture as I don’t know what that line is doing there.

A long, long time ago humans co-existed with dinosaurs  lived in stone houses and had saber tooth tigers for pets. This, we know, is a fact. Haven’t you seen the Flintstones?

Back then it was a simple time, where people appreciated the simpler things in life. My mom regrets things having changed so much since her childhood; she never got over the extinction of the dodo.

In fact, if you watch the Flintstones, you may notice one thing: nobody ever wears shoes. This I believe is the main reason my mom disapproves of heels. If back then people went around with nothing why do we need so much (of a shoe) now? Never mind the fact that she was a diplomat’s daughter and that her every whim was most likely taken  care of by one of the many in-house servants, life was tough and a dress lasted all your life (poor Wilma did seem to wear those rags often!).

The point is; shoes now a days are ridiculous, she says. As such, I’ve never been allowed heels. I barely have any shoes at all, really. Or clothes, but that’s another issue.

I did wear heels twice though. A pair of nice platforms for my 9th grade Homecoming Dinner, about 12 cm and bright green. Today, however, I’ll talk about the other time I wore heels.

Friends, as we all know, are always there for you. In this case, Anilorac was at a mall with me at 10 am in the morning “looking for Christmas presents”, end air quotes. Needless to say, neither one of us left with a lot of gifts to anyone other than ourselves. Anilorac got her parent’s presents, some shorts and eyeliner. We both got facial masks had lunch at McDonald’s, and “shared” some earring cuffs. Personally I left with Anilorac’s birthday present, which she saw btw, three nail polishes and a pair of stunning, glamorous, black, laced, 14 cm (5″5 inches) stilettos, non platform.

We also bought about half a pound of jelly beans.

When my mom saw the shoes, she nearly had a heart attack. When I showed Anilorac the earring cuffs, she nearly had a heart attack. It isn’t healthy to be around me.

I decided that my first maiden trip with the heels would be on Anilorac’s birthday two days to come. Sadly, I had to go to my dad’s and couldn’t take my shopping bags with. I figured, how hard could it be to walk in 5″5 inch heels?

Plenty hard it seems. Specially if they are your first stillettos ever and you haven’t practiced. You see, if even walking normally is hard as h*ll, you must take into account that the sidewalks in Portugal are not straight. They where purposely built 200 years ago to annoy me. Understand that the pavement is a gorgeous “calçada” that is made of teeny tiny cubical stones that after a few dozen years have a tendency to fall out of place. In short, the pavement’s, while quaint, are somewhat crooked, inclined and in the space between each rock there is a large-ish gape big enough for my lovely heels to get stuck in.

Luckily, she celebrated her birthday with a meal, and I spent most of it sitting. I got a ton of compliments  none of them where on my walking. Halfway through the meal I decided to remove my shoes. Not only did I actually (in the middle of a restaurant!) almost need help slipping one stilleto back on, but on my other foot had a red bleeding blemish that is currently still present. Bear in mind this was about a month ago.

When my mom picked me up from the restaurant, it was almost literal. During the trip back to the car I was leaning on her heavily. Had she not been my mom but a cute boy it would have been most romantic! (excluding my bleeding feet)

I don’t plane on quitting the heels, but maybe I’ll put those in to early retirement for the next few years. Don’t worry, stars always come back for a few encores and my stilettos are so beautiful they can’t stay away from the spotlight!