The other day I was talking to a friend of mine. I must admit we were both feeling a wee bit philosophical that day. Had we been talking in person and not via texts it would probably have been one of those moments in movies when we’d have hugged each other and started sobbing or something.
We where talking about regrets.
That got me thinking, what do I regret? God knows I was dead unhappy last year and don’t have a romantic life worth thinking about, much less blogging.
I’m looking in http://www.weheartit.com for cool pics to post on this subject but I can’t find any appropriate ones. All of them say stuff like “Regrets are just memories”; “Better to take a chance now than to regret it later” and such. And I’m wondering, are these real people? Are their regrets honestly and truly things that just have to do with boys and missed opurtunities? To me, regrets are way more subtle. Yes, when that feeling is real, it’s never connected to an actual moment. I repent on small things that make a huge difference now. In reality, in you lost a boy because you didn’t say anything, well then, it wasn’t mean to be, was it? Because in the end, that boy will just be a small memorie in the back of your head from when you were young and innocent and that heartbreak will make you smile.
To make my point, here’s my list of regrets, as transpicted from the text I sent.
Forget what I said: I miss being in first grade! I’d have changed so many things….. I’d have made friends with you and the others from the start, hung out more with the boys. I’d have hugged more my dead aunt, granddad and aunty and told them I love them…. I’d never have let my grades drop in 5th grade, I’d have laughed more and cried less, I definetly wouldn’t have eaten those crisps my mom sent for snack back then. I’d have gotten closer to my cousins and wouldn’t between 7th and 8th grade heard “modern” music that didn’t mean anything to me just because it made me feel cool! I’d have bought more clothing while the economy was okay and I wouldn’t have let my dad or you or my sister fall into a depression. And I decidedly woudn’t have gotten into that God damned school that would have killed me if it weren’t for The Monkees and The Beatles and Queen!! Nor would I have let Ana stop being my friend in 5th grade. I’d have learnt an instrument like the drums or the bass, and I certainly would have capitalized more on my small talent for drawing while I still could…. And I INDUBITABLY should have sent every single person last year to hell, God dammit!
Of course, I say this now. My main regret last year is that I didn’t send every one of them straight to the pits of hell. But even though I dispized them, and they belittled me, I know I woudn’t have done so. Because deep down, I always hoped they’d like me, even if I felt like spitting on them every time I saw them. Because that way life would have been easier. People who say that no friends are better than bad friends have never been in that situation.
I think that too now, thank God. But I woudn’t if I went back.
Aren’t I a hypocrite? But so are you, because you would have done the same.
I hope, to quote Gone With The Wind, that when I have all the money I want, I can too send them all too hell. Because then, I won’t need them, and hopefully I won’t be a coward.