My Dad (Almost) Tried On A Bikini

My Dad Tried On A Bikini


I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this but I’m Marina Schulz Tork*, I’m sixteen years olf and my life has things that are even too tacky for a soap opera. To sum things up, what I mean to say is that there is a 65 year age difference between me and my dad (he’s  81 now).

So as weird as my family is, it’s a great conversation starter.  I mean nobody expects me to say, almost immediately after having met me, things like:

a)        I might one day become a millionaire (or more specifically a very, very big thousaner)

b)        That my dad is 81

c)        I almost hugged the pope (or to be precise, I hugged the almost pope)

This can cause either can cause people to either think I’m weird, make first encounters less awkward or make people think I’m inferior to them. Obviously, the first is the preferred option, but the results depend on how bubbly I am at the given time. Shy but weird is a fatal combination, as in you get murdered with pitifull stares. Confidence is an accessory that is never out of style!!

Anyways, back to the subject at heart! My dad and the bikini… ah! You see (hmm, bad pun, you’ll notice why in a bit) my dad is really old school. Like really old school (Portugal was seriously behind times when he was born, just so you get the idea woman only started wearing pants in the mid seventies). In fact I’m actually quite fortunate that he’s blind in one eye because if he knew I waxed my legs he’d probably die. Or kill me. One way or the other one of us would end up in prison and the other would end up in a graveward. Ok, ok, so I’m exaggerating, but he still complains over the fact that my 50 year old natural blond half sisters color their roots.

So understandably this leads to situations in the mall that are “somewhat” embarrassing. He passes through jewelry stores praticly yelling about getting better quality in trift shops. He says things in his time were way better. He mocks people’s outfits. But by far the worse time was when we went in to sports zone with me (I was like 10). My dad was looking for a swimsuit (We live by the beach, it’s actually kinda annoying because my dad was in the army, ranked really high and all when he was young and still lifts weights every morning so he’s actually really bulked up and is somehow waaaay healthier than me!!) and after  walking down the shop for a while he comes across the women’s section. Now, as I mentioned, my dad is half blind so he eagerly picked up a black bikini bottom happily going on about  how he’d finally found what he wanted although it was obvious that this shop was shit considering how gay the other swimming trunks looked!! I swear, I was mortified but managed to whisper that we were in the woman’s section not the men’s and dragged him out of there.

I know that my on topic writing is relatively short and (hopefully) somewhat funny, but on a more serious note, you do know that (god I hope not!) in a few decades Speedos may come back in fashion? I mean everything makes a comeback. And I adore vintage things but some stuff should be erased from the history books. Like the entire decade of 1990. And speedos.

Imagine how it will be when we all are old and wrinkly (not me, I’m getting Botox, once it becomes painless) and our kids (again not me, I don’t want my stomach to sag until I’m like 50 and nobody will bother looking at me anyways) are hiding our fashion crimes! Hopefully we won’t be moronic enough to bring bell bottoms back.

But back to my dad. He says women stole everything from men! Not only did we “steal” pants but now we’ve taken their swimsuits! I say this is one thievery that should not be punished.

*Note: this is a fake name